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Hello readers! I abandoned the xanga for a couple months, but who does this surprise? Anyone? Hands? That's what I thought. For all intents and purposes, my summer was wildly...boring. Hence, the lack of any actual updates.

Summer in a nutshell: Biochem Class at Bryn Mawr- biochemistry in june- enough said. Craptastic job in Conshohocken (accompanied by crazy, crazy neighbors who were either a.) drug dealers, b.) killers, c.) gang members, or d.) all of the above; I deduced this from the late night phone calls that they would have right outside my window at around 4 am.). My craptastic job paid me even crappier money. Apparently now, having two degrees gets you only a wee bit more than minimum wage- sweet. The remainder of the summer, after I moved back home to the lovely smells of New Jersey, was spent at the beach. This was the most consecutive time I've ever spent there and it was fantastic. So to most people, looking for beach glass, reading crappy (i.e. wonderful beach) books, and hanging out with my family doesn't sound like the coolest thing in the world. But anybody who reads this knows that's exactly what I like the most. So, as a little gift to myself before grad school started, I decided to take two weeks off and do absolutely. and. completely. nothing. End of summer: Forensics class in NH. Sweet class, nice people- good experience. :o)

But let's cut to the important stuff. I have finally, FINALLY moved to Washington D.C. WOOHOO!! You can't usually judge excitement from reading an online journal, but try to gauge my level of excitement, and then multiply it by 10, because that's how excited I am. I've wanted to move to this city for as long as I knew it existed, and the fact that I finally did still hasn't hit me yet. I looked down my street yesterday, and there was the Washington Monument, just kind of sitting in the middle of the road. So what did I do? Stand on the divider in the middle of the road to look at it. That's right. I'm worse than a dorky tourist. I'm a dorky tourist that's never going to leave. I'm a resident dork now. Therefore, yesterday I walked from my place down to the White House, and walked all around the National Mall. It's so strange to actually see all of the things that I'm so used to just seeing on tv and in movies. My parents decided that my brother and I never actually needed to take a trip down to DC...ever. The Upper Saddle River public school system decided the same thing. So when I came down to DC for the first time, it was only a little while ago after I had applied to GW. And I LOVED it. And now that I'm here, I like it even more.

You know what's great about this city? The metro. The metro is awesome. Maybe it's just because I'm used to the subways in NYC. Or the trains in Philly. But this system is basically idiot-proof. If I could make it home last night (and actually SWITCH LINES) than it can't be too hard because you're looking at one of the most directionally challenged human beings. Ever. Period. So, a big kudos to the people that designed the metro system. I salute you.

Ok, no one is even still reading this because this is one of the most boring, unfunny xanga entries I've ever written. Sorry. Look for future, more clever, and slightly more humorous installments in the future. That is, unless I get hit by a bus because I'm standing in the middle of Virginia Ave. staring at the Washington Monument. Let's hope that doesn't happen.

Lots of love,

me

It's been a considerable amount of time since I updated. To any readers I actually have left, I apologize. This was not a planned move, but instead, just a complete lack of having anything to say. Well, nothing of importance anyways. I'm not sure that you guys really cared that I bought a new kind of toothpaste. That's about the excitement level of my life lately.

Happy Easter. Yay for Easter. This year didn't feel very Easter-y to me. My house is being remodeled, so instead of going home to Bergen County for Easter, my family went to our beach house. However, four days ago, I decided that I needed to not be at school anymore. I needed to be nowhere near Pennsylvania, and my thesis, and all of the other stressful things associated with this state. So in the middle of the day on Thursday, I left the lab (much to the annoyance of my thesis advisor), drove back to my apartment, changed into shorts and a t-shirt, threw some clothes and other essentials into a bag, and drove as fast as my little car would take me to the beach. Well, as fast as my little car and the amount of freaking traffic on the Jersey Turnpike would allow me to go.

The second I cross the bridge, leave the mainland, and get onto the island, I feel better. The beach has a funny way of making everything be ok, even when it's really not. The beach is a constant. It's been a constant in my life since the first day I was alive, and I'm fairly sure that it'll always be that way. I love everything the beach is about. The beach is about letting things go. It's about being with your family, friends, anyone that you love. It's just about being. There's something that always gets me about standing on the beach when no one else is around, the way it always is about this time before the season starts. For as far as you look both ways, you're alone. I could walk on the beach for hours and not get bored of it. Hell, I could just sit there and watch the nothingness for hours. The beach is my little place to escape. It's too beautiful most of the time for it to feel real. And with that sense of surrealness comes quiet. No matter how sad, or tired, or upset you are, being there makes it better. I know it sounds stupid, but I'm pretty sure that little corner of the world will always be able to pick me up when I need it the most.

Ocean Beach isn't the most luxurious place on earth. It's not about being fancy, or having a huge house. For anyone that's been to my beach house, they know that it's about the size of a dorm room (not a huge exaggeration). But it's the most comfortable place in the world. The couches are all worn in. The carpet has sand in it that refuses to come out, no matter how many times you vacuum it. There's beach glass in jars all over the place. I wouldn't trade that tiny little house for anything in the world. Sure, it's a little bit like camping because it's so small. But my aunt and uncle are five houses down from us. And from our little deck, you can see the ocean. And really, who needs more than that? It's perfect.

lots of love,

me

This is the second time in a row that I've opened up this page to write something with no real subject in mind. But something inside me is telling me that I need to write. That I need some kind of outlet for everything that's swirling around inside. Normally, I really don't like my xanga entries to be too personal. I joke around. I'm sarcastic. But I'm rarely personal in this forum because I think some things are meant to be for just you. For you to hold onto, and no one else to know about, much less read about.

A few weeks ago, I remember writing an entry about the fact that I was happy. I was flat-out, uncontrollably, undeniably happy. All I wanted for myself was to hold onto that feeling for as long as was physically possible. I never wanted it to fade, and I woke up every morning feeling like it might. And that really scared me. I tried to prepare myself for the morning I woke up and I'd lost it. I didn't do a good enough job of that, and when I woke up one morning and was miserable, I didn't know what to do. I woke up at 630 in the morning. The sun was shining. For all intents and purposes, it was a beautiful day. But it wasn't. It was bullshit.

What I want to do is be mad at someone. I want to take it out on ANYONE other than myself. I want to be mad at anybody that will listen. But deep down, I'm only angry with me. I'm angry that I was painfully stupid. I'm angry that I'm not strong enough to deal with the consequences of my idiotic decisions. I'm angry that I'm questioning every single thing that I've always been so sure of. And I'm angry that I can't depend upon myself anymore.

I had decided that I didn't want to be a cynic anymore. Maybe sarcasm and bitterness weren't always the way to go. Maybe life is a little bit nicer when you don't look at every situation like it's going to come back and bite you in the ass. But I realized that my cynicism and basic sadness protected me. It kept me from putting myself in situations that I was unfamiliar with. And it kept me strong, because by not letting anyone or anything in, I was safe. All I know right now is that I need to find that again. I want to find that safety zone again.

I've been hurt more times than I'd like to think about in the past. I'll remember for the rest of my life what it felt like the first time I got my heart broken. It was a long time ago, but it still feels like it happened yesterday. And with every subsequent time that it happened, I started to build myself a tiny little wall. It started with just one little brick, but with everyday that went by, I added a few more. And then more. And more quickly. In no time at all, I'd built for myself a barricade. It wasn't just a wall, it was a fortress. And no one was getting in. And then, quick as anything, it went down. It crumbled, and instead of being the reliable protector it's always been, it lay at my feet in a big pile. And look at where it's gotten me. It's gotten me fucking nowhere.

A pretty smart person once told me Dante's definition of hell. According to him, hell is proximity without intimacy. Dante might have gotten it wrong. That's not hell. That's the goddamn definition of my life. And I'm done. I'm completely fucking done. I give up. I've always taken a lot of pride in never giving up on anything because it was difficult. But not this time. This time, I simply can't do it anymore. I don't know how to pick myself up anymore. And frankly, I don't even want to.

I opened up this page really wanting to write an entry. But I can't really put into words what I want to say. I have no way of getting out what I need to say. And there's no way to fix it. Instead, it just stays bottled up inside. And I think that might be making me feel even worse than I already do. Even if I could figure out a way to tell you all what I'm feeling, it's probably not something that's meant to be written about on a xanga page.

I'm confused. And I'm upset. And no matter what I do, there's no way at all to fix it.

Honestly, I haven't written in a while because there's not a lot to say. Well, there are things to say, but really, not everyone needs to hear about them. So really what I mean is, I don't have a whole bunch of public info to share with folks. My life is generally pretty boring. Sorry.

March Madness has officially begun. And naturally, with a number one ranked team, Villanova Madnes has also commenced. I've gotta say though...I love it. It's damn exciting to have a school that could go all the way. I'm so proud of our Wildcats. We're the midgets, the shortest starting lineup out there. And they're doing incredible. Injury after injury, setback after setback, our boys have always pulled it out. You don't get much better than our guys. I love them, and they've worked harder than any other team out there. They deserve this.

That's pretty much all for now. I'm a pretty boring person right now, but pretty damn happy too. So I'm pretty ok with it.

<3 M